Parker

Hello folks,
Just thought I would finally join up to Castle Roland as a member after going through that "thinking about it" stage for too long. Like most other things in life with me I guess.
So some of you may already know me but Just wanted to say nice to meet everyone and hopefully I'll be around to join in on some of the topics discussed here. For those of you thinking "who the hell is this guy?"  I'm an amateur gay fiction author from the UK. I run my own site where I post my stories and am also active on IOMFATS. Very humbled to be surrounded by so many great authors.
 
So that's' my newbie pitch done, see you in the corridors
West    

Okay, I should probably stop, but did you hear about...
This guy shows up at the Pearly Gates one day and St Peter asks his name, saying, "I have to check the book to see if your good deeds outweigh your sins. Then I will determine if you are worthy to enter Heaven."
After examining the book for a few minutes, St Peter says, "It looks pretty close. You did some bad things and some good things. Is there anything good that you did lately which might weigh in your favor?"
The man says, "Well, I was driving down the highway when I saw a young woman whose car had broken down by the side of the road. She was surrounded by a gang of bikers who were dragging her out of her car, apparently intending to rape her. I immediately stopped and got out of my car, clutching a tire iron, and shouted for them to let her go."
St Peter said, "Wow, that was pretty brave of you. When did that happen?"
"About five minutes ago," the man replied.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.   Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.  Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,  ”Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat..."

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old son naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough more or less, adopted him as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with him during coffee and lunch breaks and gave him little jobs to do here and there to make him feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented him with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little boy took this home to his mother who suggested that he take his ten dollars pay he'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the boy and his mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little boy how he had come by his very own pay check at such a young age. The little boy proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little boy replied, "I will, if those damned assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock."

Now that was funny. Here's another.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me a double shot of whiskey." The guy takes his drink, slams it down, and says "Give me another" The bartender says "What's the matter guy?" The guy says "I just found out my youngest son is gay" Two days later the guy is back and the bar and orders a double, slams it do an and asks for another. The bartender asks again, "What's the matter now?" The guy says "I just found out my oldest son is gay" Two days later the guy is back, this time he asks for the bottle. The bartender asks, "Jesus, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?" He exclaims, "YEAH....MY WIFE!" 

Okay, stop me if you've heard this one.
A father said to his son, "Johnny, how was school today?"
Johnny replied, "It was great, Dad."
"Oh, did anything special happen?" his father asked.
"Yeah, Dad. I got laid today."
"You got laid?! Johnny, you're only ten. That's incredible, getting laid already. I'm proud of you, Son," his father beamed. "So, how did you like it?"
Johnny said, "It felt pretty good, but my butt's still kinda sore."

Don't be embarrassed. You see, his father, like traditional heterosexual men, was proud that his son was having sex at such an early age. It signified that he was a little stud. The expectation was that he had been with a female, but...
Try this one instead:
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Good ones. That last reminds me of this one.
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:  "What do you want to be when you grow up? Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest prostitute, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?""I wanna be Larry's prostitute."

See if you like these:
Did you hear about the cross eyed seamstress? She couldn't mend straight.
A man walked into a bar holding his cat which had just been run over by a steamroller. The bartender said, "Hey Pal, why the long puss?"

A straight guy walks into a bar and a couple steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink." When the transvestite waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" 

 

They're are four guys at a High School Reunion. Three rich guys, and one mildly retarded. The mildly retarded one leaves to the restroom. One of them says. Let us talk about or rich and successful sons. The first one says, "My son is so rich and successful and bought his best friend a Lamborghini." The Second one says, "My son is so rich and successful he bought his best friend a Private Jet." The Last one says, "Well my son is so rich and successful he bought his best friend his own Island." The retarded one returns from the restroom and says, "Watcha talking bout'?" One of them says "Just or sons, How bout yours?" The retarded one says, "Well my sons a gay stripper at a gay bar. But he did just get a Fancy Car, a Jet and a Really large island from his three boyfriends." 

 

actually it's a plate of sausage (tried it on a class excursion)

Very good story Parker.  I like it.  Look forward to more.

Groan.. Posts like that NiteOwl13 won't make you too poplar, grin.... 

Ok I did try not to post this BUT it was a great tree knot

I do like this new twist just think of how many ways this can go 

Kev, 
Welcome to Castle Roland. We are glad you found us. Most of us will agree that sex is a plot builder not a plot. I come from a middle class working american family with lots of ties to the military so i tend to write about the military. Sometimes I use a little sex but mostly we can assume that behind closed doors my characters get into some craziness that would make me blush should I try to write it.  
Keep writing and when will we see some of your stories.
 

Star Wars   Oddly, i keep having ideas on this one.  Might be longer than the word limit.....
or have to split into three parts.....
 

I had thought to sit this one out . . . but . . . an idea kept buzzing around in my brain driving me to distraction so I guess I'm in.

excited to read it Parker this is going to be fun

I like a good villain in a story and, like most people, I usually like for my conflict to be clearly defined good and evil. I just don't always like for the evil to be out to destroy the whole world. That's why I like Terry Pratchett's type of stories where the antagonist is human and has believable motivations, like greed or jealousy.
I am referring to mainstream published stories, not the ones that I read here. I certainly don't intend to criticize anyone's work at Castle Roland. I'm just making an observation about Fantasy fiction in general. It's what I love to read the most. Lately I've become a big fan of Urban Fantasy, especially Ilona Andrews.
I began a story years ago about a different world where a young boy from a village takes a journey. His adventures are not dangerous, just interesting, so it is a story with no conflict. Someday I'll pick it up again. 

I like a good villain in a story and, like most people, I usually like for my conflict to be clearly defined good and evil. I just don't always like for the evil to be out to destroy the whole world. That's why I like Terry Pratchett's type of stories where the antagonist is human and has believable motivations, like greed or jealousy.
I am referring to mainstream published stories, not the ones that I read here. I certainly don't intend to criticize anyone's work at Castle Roland. I'm just making an observation about Fantasy fiction in general. It's what I love to read the most. Lately I've become a big fan of Urban Fantasy, especially Ilona Andrews.
I began a story years ago about a different world where a young boy from a village takes a journey. His adventures are not dangerous, just interesting, so it is a story with no conflict. Someday I'll pick it up again. 

I do, Larkin, especially about friends. I have moved around to various parts of the country due to my work and I have made and left friends in every one of those places. Thank goodness we can stay in touch via the internet. Where I live now, out in the country, I don't have anyone that I can call a good friend, but I have email and that helps a lot. The thing about friends is that, as Agatha Christie points out, we only know of anyone the things that they choose to tell us or let us see, so I don't mind having just internet friends. I know them as well as I do my visible friends, plus I don't have to buy them Christmas gifts.
On the other hand, I do like fantasy fiction. I love dragons and magic and castles. Far too many fantasy tales are simply rehashing the themes in Lord of the Rings and I dislike their lack of originality. Too many times some dark force is going to enslave and destroy the world, only to be defeated at the last moment by an unlikely little hero. I prefer writers like Terry Pratchett.
I wonder if living in Massachusetts at this snowy time of year perhaps makes you a bit melancholy and brings post-apocalyptic thoughts. I used to live in Boston and we sometimes had two feet of snowfall at once. They used to tell me that if you can't take the winters you don't deserve the wonderful summers. I miss Boston.
I don't know if any of that makes sense because I'm not sure just what I'm trying to say, but Merry Christmas to you.
Parker

I do, Larkin, especially about friends. I have moved around to various parts of the country due to my work and I have made and left friends in every one of those places. Thank goodness we can stay in touch via the internet. Where I live now, out in the country, I don't have anyone that I can call a good friend, but I have email and that helps a lot. The thing about friends is that, as Agatha Christie points out, we only know of anyone the things that they choose to tell us or let us see, so I don't mind having just internet friends. I know them as well as I do my visible friends, plus I don't have to buy them Christmas gifts.
On the other hand, I do like fantasy fiction. I love dragons and magic and castles. Far too many fantasy tales are simply rehashing the themes in Lord of the Rings and I dislike their lack of originality. Too many times some dark force is going to enslave and destroy the world, only to be defeated at the last moment by an unlikely little hero. I prefer writers like Terry Pratchett.
I wonder if living in Massachusetts at this snowy time of year perhaps makes you a bit melancholy and brings post-apocalyptic thoughts. I used to live in Boston and we sometimes had two feet of snowfall at once. They used to tell me that if you can't take the winters you don't deserve the wonderful summers. I miss Boston.
I don't know if any of that makes sense because I'm not sure just what I'm trying to say, but Merry Christmas to you.
Parker

Lucas is going to face some strange and difficult hurdles in the years to come. I hope you'll keep reading. Let me know if you catch me in any screw ups.
Thanks, Parker