Humor

[Parker]

A young sailor met an older seaman one day and they began to talk. The old salt had a wooden leg, a hook for his hand and a patch over one eye. Curious, the young man said, "If you don't mind my asking, how did you lose your leg?"

"Well, I was swimmin' in Jamaica and a shark took my leg, so I got me this wooden one instead," the old man replied.

"What about your hand?" the sailor asked.

"Arrrgh, I was in Australia and a saltwater crocodile nipped off me hand. Had to get this hook after that."

"And, what about your eye?"

"A seagull shat in it," the man said, sounding embarrassed.

"A seagull shat and took your eye out?"

"Not exactly, you see, it were the first day I had me hook."

[Shayn059]

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back." Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?" In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

[Shayn059]

I missed yesterday and so we get two today.

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

[Parker]

Here's a bad one, Shayn,

A twelve year old girl was passing her older sister's bedroom door when she heard her talking. Peeking in, she saw her sister naked and lying on her bed, rubbing herself between the legs and repeating over and over, "I need a man. Oh God, I need a man."

The young girl went away confused but the next day as she passed her sister's door she heard someone moaning. Peeking in, she saw her sister naked on her bed with a naked man on top of her and they were making funny noises. Immediately the little sister ran to her room, threw off her clothes, jumped into bed and began rubbing between her legs. She yelled, "Oh God, I need a bicycle. Oh God, I need a bicycle...."

[D'Artagnon]

LOL, And with a picture of the boy with machine guns in his butt!  Somewhere in the RU Juan is reading this and having severe jealousy over his lack of internal firepower.

[Shayn059]

I love it Parker. Its not bad. Here's mine for today.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

 

[Parker]

Thanks Shayn,

I thought of one more:  The foreman at the Guinness brewery walked up to the door of cottage and said to the woman who answered, "Mary, I've got some terrible news. It's you husband, Sean. He fell into a vat of Guinness today and drowned."

"Saints preserve us," cried Mary. "Poor Sean. Tell me, did he go quickly?"

"Ah, I'm afraid not, Mary. He got out three times to pee."

[Shayn059]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[Shayn059]

I got a good one for you all.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

[D'Artagnon]

And oddly, when this occurred at Eve's 23rd child, the coincidence is that human's have 23 pairs of chromosomes.   Hmmmmm!  Makes you think, no?

[D'Artagnon]

We'll see if this works this way, because I'm Lazy, LOL

 

 

Edited August 24, 2016 by D'Artagnon
needed to insert picture

[Shayn059]

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!

[Parker]

 

Here are a few more things that I find funny:

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So the judge said, "Let me get this straight, Mickey. You're divorcing Minnie on grounds of insanity?"

Mickey replied, "Not exactly, Your Honor. I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy."

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Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

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A writer was having trouble with his new novel so he rented a cabin in a remote part of the mountains. Things went well at first but after a month he began to get lonely, so he was happy when he got a visit from his neighbor, Bob, a burly mountain man from over the ridge.

Bob said, "I come to invite you to a party at my place."

The writer said, "A party? I could use a party about now. What kind of party is it?"

"Oh, it'll be a wild party with lots of food and liquor, lots of dancin', and lots of sex. Wild crazy sex!"

The writer was surprised and said, "Wow, that sounds amazing. What should I wear?"

Bob grinned and said, "Oh, don't matter none, just be the two of us."