Humor

[Parker]

Heard any good jokes lately?

 

[Parker]

Okay, stop me if you've heard this one.

A father said to his son, "Johnny, how was school today?"

Johnny replied, "It was great, Dad."

"Oh, did anything special happen?" his father asked.

"Yeah, Dad. I got laid today."

"You got laid?! Johnny, you're only ten. That's incredible, getting laid already. I'm proud of you, Son," his father beamed. "So, how did you like it?"

Johnny said, "It felt pretty good, but my butt's still kinda sore."

[Mark C.]

Hey Parker....  Ummmmm..... I'm a bit embarrassed to say this but I don't get it why it's funny..... 

[Parker]

Don't be embarrassed. You see, his father, like traditional heterosexual men, was proud that his son was having sex at such an early age. It signified that he was a little stud. The expectation was that he had been with a female, but...

Try this one instead:

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

[Mark C.]

Parker, keep your day job, grin....  At least you are trying... 

[Parker]

Mark, I see that you are from the UK. I remember my first visit there and how confusing the language was. Certain dishes sounded like ailments. I thought that Bubble and Squeak was a gastrointestinal affliction, that Spotted Dick was a venereal disease, and I didn't even want to know what Toad In The Hole was.

[Rwinn]

actually it's a plate of sausage (tried it on a class excursion)

[Mark C.]

Hey, Parker... Actually not from the Uk. American but now retired and we spend 6 months in the UK until they throw us out for the year. We can only stay 6 months in a calendar year. 

Where did you visit in the UK? We stay up north in the Lancaster and Yorkshire areas. Have friends there.

[Parker]

See if you like these:

Did you hear about the cross eyed seamstress? She couldn't mend straight.

A man walked into a bar holding his cat which had just been run over by a steamroller. The bartender said, "Hey Pal, why the long puss?"

[Shayn059]

They're are four guys at a High School Reunion. Three rich guys, and one mildly retarded. The mildly retarded one leaves to the restroom. One of them says. Let us talk about or rich and successful sons. The first one says, "My son is so rich and successful and bought his best friend a Lamborghini." The Second one says, "My son is so rich and successful he bought his best friend a Private Jet." The Last one says, "Well my son is so rich and successful he bought his best friend his own Island." The retarded one returns from the restroom and says, "Watcha talking bout'?" One of them says "Just or sons, How bout yours?" The retarded one says, "Well my sons a gay stripper at a gay bar. But he did just get a Fancy Car, a Jet and a Really large island from his three boyfriends." 

 

[Shayn059]

A straight guy walks into a bar and a couple steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink." When the transvestite waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" 

 

[Parker]

Good ones. That last reminds me of this one.

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:  "What do you want to be when you grow up?

 

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest prostitute, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's prostitute."

[Shayn059]

Now that was funny. Here's another.

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me a double shot of whiskey." The guy takes his drink, slams it down, and says "Give me another" The bartender says "What's the matter guy?" The guy says "I just found out my youngest son is gay" Two days later the guy is back and the bar and orders a double, slams it do an and asks for another. The bartender asks again, "What's the matter now?" The guy says "I just found out my oldest son is gay" Two days later the guy is back, this time he asks for the bottle. The bartender asks, "Jesus, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?" He exclaims, "YEAH....MY WIFE!" 

[Parker]

Okay, I should probably stop, but did you hear about...

This guy shows up at the Pearly Gates one day and St Peter asks his name, saying, "I have to check the book to see if your good deeds outweigh your sins. Then I will determine if you are worthy to enter Heaven."

After examining the book for a few minutes, St Peter says, "It looks pretty close. You did some bad things and some good things. Is there anything good that you did lately which might weigh in your favor?"

The man says, "Well, I was driving down the highway when I saw a young woman whose car had broken down by the side of the road. She was surrounded by a gang of bikers who were dragging her out of her car, apparently intending to rape her. I immediately stopped and got out of my car, clutching a tire iron, and shouted for them to let her go."

St Peter said, "Wow, that was pretty brave of you. When did that happen?"

"About five minutes ago," the man replied.

[D'Artagnon]

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old son naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough more or less, adopted him as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with him during coffee and lunch breaks and gave him little jobs to do here and there to make him feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented him with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little boy took this home to his mother who suggested that he take his ten dollars pay he'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the boy and his mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little boy how he had come by his very own pay check at such a young age. The little boy proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little boy replied, "I will, if those damned assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock."

Edited February 22, 2016 by D'Artagnon
font resize

[D'Artagnon]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.   Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.  Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,  ”Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat..."

Edited February 22, 2016 by D'Artagnon
font resize

[Shayn059]

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the offering basket is passed, he drops in a big wad of bills. When the basket gets back to the minister, he notices the wad of money and announces: "Someone here was very generous in the offering today. I would like to ask the person who gave this large amount of money to please stand." The gay man stood up. The minister continued, "Well, sir, we certainly do appreciate your generosity. And to show our appreciation, I'm going to let you select your three favorite hymns." "Okay," the gay man replied, "I'll take him, him and him!" 

 

[Parker]

A Greek guy walks into a tailor shop with a pair of torn trousers. The tailor looked at them and said, "Euripides?"

The man replied, "Yes, Eumenides?"

 

[Shayn059]

It's career day in elementary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.' The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad. Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for the Chicago Blackhawks.' 

 

[Shayn059]

WAKE UP!!!!  The forum has been strangely quiet lately, Almost like some creepy cemetery.Come on guys lets bring it back to life. So to kick a little life into the forum, how about a new joke.
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!" 

 

[Shayn059]

If anyone else has a good joke to add, lets hear it and lets have some fun!!!

[Al Norris]

Too Funny for words!!!

ROTFLMAO !!!

[Shayn059]

I'm glad you liked it.   

[Shayn059]

Okay, are we ready for today's joke? Gab your chairs and hold on cause here it is,

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. ''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.'' ''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.'

[Shayn059]

Joke time!!!

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel" Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as. The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?" Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"