A.B Posted March 11, 2015 Report Share Posted March 11, 2015 I know you didn't just a hyperbole to make a point And it is written lol only final chapter left to write Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David McLeod Posted March 11, 2015 Report Share Posted March 11, 2015 Writing in a fantasy world of one's own creation, rather than "fan fiction" which relies on someone else's creation with which the reader is familiar, always presents the challenge of how much description to offer, how quickly to offer it, and who should provide the information. Too little, and the reader is left to wonder about too much; too much and the reader has too little to anticipate. I think A.B. has achieved a good balance in the first two chapters. The blacksmith's eagerness to travel with the boys smacks a bit of a deus ex machina (which, having its origins in Greek drama should be familiar to A. B.) but that has not yet presented a problem. The two protagonists are developing as distinct individuals (and not only because of the transformations they are undergoing). I'm looking forward to 3-16 and beyond. A.B 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.B Posted March 11, 2015 Report Share Posted March 11, 2015 Hehehe deus ex machina you say? yes rings a bell or two There's a few revelations in the coming chapters...and volumes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zergrinch Posted March 11, 2015 Report Share Posted March 11, 2015 The thing about that is, I find the latter more convincing than the former. First of all, they have no idea whatsoever that someone or something is after them. Second, how old are they... 12 or 13 right? A sixth or seventh grader? Were I in their shoes, I'd be intensely curious about my new abilities and would be bursting with questions about the land. Probably not about the history but more about what I can or cannot do Also and finally I thought of it in a "realistic" sort of way...I am a boy I was just transfered in a new land and I am acquiring new abilities and things are changing, I am running for my life from an unseen enemy with unknown abilities, resources and means so whereas I may want to know more of this new land, doing it on the run may not be my first priority. As things calm down I know that this information will be given to me. I thought it more realistic than: Okay I am in a new land an enemy that i know nothing of is hunting me, I have new magical powers but I want you Merol to sit down and tell me all that you know of this new land. Not being sarcastic here in any way just to explain how I thought it. My reasoning my have been wrong but too late to change it for this story. I hope you continue to like it throughout Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.B Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 Yes but you have no idea what those abilities are or how to activate them. Marco just did something out of instinct...or rather the spirit inside him activating that instinct...and Merol may know some stuff relating to Lucas' abiltiies but he doesn't know Marco's ones. You can be as curious as you want but if you don't know what words to say you might as well be flapping your hands on the air expecting a fart to come out of them And yes you would ask Merol and he would just say... "Eat, sleep tomorrow we leave." And if you continued he would slap a rune on your back that would silence you and you would not know how to remove it, and just reaching out with your hand would work not. But! Questions they have just not all together all at once. And don't worry they'll soon know full well that someone is after their hides Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.B Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 And because I know the question will eventually be asked if it hasn't been implied indirectly this far, later on, much later on Merol does explain how he came to be in the Fords of Elandros. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Al Norris Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 Aw man! I hate spoilers like that!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zergrinch Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 Yes but you have no idea what those abilities are or how to activate them. Marco just did something out of instinct...or rather the spirit inside him activating that instinct...and Merol may know some stuff relating to Lucas' abiltiies but he doesn't know Marco's ones. You can be as curious as you want but if you don't know what words to say you might as well be flapping your hands on the air expecting a fart to come out of them And yes you would ask Merol and he would just say... "Eat, sleep tomorrow we leave." And if you continued he would slap a rune on your back that would silence you and you would not know how to remove it, and just reaching out with your hand would work not. See, if I discover that I have powers? And I'm twelve years old and hence am indestructible? I'm totally going to flap my hands in the air and do anything to activate them. Heck, I'll even go put myself in danger just to turn the powers on. Slapping a rune to silence someone? That's not cool man. What is he, a railroading DM? (Do note, you want feedback, so I'm giving feedback. All my feedback is my sole opinion, and is not indicative of the indestructible 12-year olds out there!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.B Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 You're not indestructible and yeah danger lol well I shall leave you with this. There is no shortage of danger lol. They will run into danger head first lol like good 12 yos Yeah no worries I know it is your opinion and yeah Merol is worse than a DM, he doesn't care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.B Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 Aw man! I hate spoilers like that!! Lol well not really a spoiler, just a revelation that a revelation will happen at some point...for all you know it may happen at chapter 6 chapter 14 or Volume 2 or Volume 3 :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Al Norris Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 You do realize that I get your chapters for coding, in advance of (almost) everyone else? [giggle] Regardless, I am thoroughly enjoying this story. A.B.? You are doing this very well! A.B 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.B Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 lol well yes seeing I just sent you chapter 5 for coding I think I know Question mark?! Question mark?! Sir you're doubting my identity?! No need I am enough by myself And thanks!! Brave lake manor was an easier write than this one so I'm a bit...anxious that it is well received even if it has grammar mistakes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NiteOwl13 Posted March 13, 2015 Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 A fast paced story good read thanks A.B 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.B Posted March 13, 2015 Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 Glad you like it so far! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David McLeod Posted March 14, 2015 Report Share Posted March 14, 2015 A. B. has taken up the gauntlet and is creating a unique universe, rather than writing in a universe created by someone else. I must admire that. The universe, itself; its people; its natural laws and rules--all these rest on the new author. More power to A.B.! A.B 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Castle Herald Posted March 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2015 Chapter 3 find at http://www.castleroland.net/library/author/ab Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zergrinch Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 Time for my regularly-scheduled OCD-fest The first arrow went through his upper clothes and pined itself onto the wall behind him. <-- pinned, into The third arrow impaled on the wall in front of his face. They boy had a good but naïve soul, a soul that formed a part of the final puzzle. The Long Peeks are not to be taken lightly. <-- Peaks How old are you? He asked Micraal as they took the horses by the reigns and walked in the city alley ways. <-- reins, not reigns. Also consider alleyways as a compound noun (there are many instances of "alley ways") Others said that the crown prince had been assassinated, others that there had been an attempt on his life ... <--- others say that ... He had fled the city with his personal guard and was now roaming the countryside killing goblins, marauders and raiders as well as a new mercenary band that had been plaguing the trade routes with Redonia and other cities. <-- run-on sentence, consider breaking "Yeah but on Sirmarilion it says how Elrond's father is a human…that he is of the immortal line…" <-- SILmarillion "Sir the armies and the navy are ready to march." <-- Armies march, navies sail "In the other room, in the public pool si…Marco." <-- If this was an attempt to not say SIR, I didn't remember Marco asking him not to call him "Sir." A few minutes later he saw the door opposite to him open with what would have been a crushing sound and the woman who owned the place waving her hands frantically at them. <-- Did you mean "crashing"? Lucas span on his feet and slashed at the man, spilling his guts onto the road. <-- spun You might get injured, if a thunder falls near us…" He was interrupted. <-- Thunder is the sound, you're thinking of the lightning. An appropriate phrase might be "if lightning strikes near us" "Gail force winds, north-east direction, twenty meters high…" <-- Gale Maybe he has left because he cannot enter and he is off for easier targets or maybe he has gone to fetch someone who can break Merol's wand. Go!!" <-- ward The raiders cursed and one of them left, perhaps in search of another who knew how to break the wand, perhaps to find a backdoor inside. <-- ward The raiders called him names until they started dying mysteriously. <-- Consider rephrasing. The term "dying mysteriously" connotes they just dropped down dead without wounds. Pretty obvious that Micraal had been stabbing at them while invisible. When all three of them were dead he saw Micraal standing behind them dagger in hand in his hide. <-- consider rephrasing to something like "cloaked in his hide with dagger in hand." The raiders started shouting amongst themselves, "The city army has come, let's get the fuck out of here!" <-- you've already established this faction as the City Guard "My Lord, they have left Eri'Adar and our agents made sure the inn has been burned to the ground." <-- the place isn't an inn right, it's a brothel? A.B 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.B Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 19: or maybe there's the city guard and the army of the kingdom and its two factions and maybe you should really not see this as factions like in D&D 20: no, he's talking of something else that you'll see in next chapter, that is actually an inn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Castle Herald Posted March 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 Chapter 4 found at http://www.castleroland.net/library/author/ab Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zergrinch Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 ♪ It's the most wonderful time of the year. Time for OCD nitpicking, grammar nazi-ing, be of good cheer ♫ He aimed and then something behind him made a sound of broken twig, but it wasn't Lucas, it sounded heavier. <-- sound of a broken twig Eventually those that I have will finish and I don't think there will be a weapons store around always…who can show me how!?" <-- run out "Now you are a bit more adept at firing your arrows you can have this." <-- Now that you are He could battle a thousand soldiers going from deep sleep to battle ready in a second but the barrage of questions from a 12 years old elf had forced him to mentally groan. <-- 12 year-old One thing I have learned from being around Elves is that they are individuals that are not afraid to voice their opinions. <-- who At midday they arrived at the foot of the mountains where the ground stops being flat and starts to raise. <-- rise and you helped give birth to my son and healed my husband <-- in addition to being a run-on sentence (try saying that loud), it sounds wrong to help "give birth to my son". Maybe either "helped me give birth to my son" or "helped deliver my son" "Thank you…it wasn't easy…but I had the hide <-- you probably meant "I've had to hide" Merol was with Marco and the new addition to the family. <-- If the twins were the new addition, it should be plural. "Your graciousness in the face of absurdity humbles us ma'am." <-- I don't see anything absurd about the situation. Perhaps you meant adversity The wife looked to her husband who smiled and nodded his acceptance. "We have little food to offer though, but berries my son and daughter harvested from the local bushes only a short walk from here. <-- "save for", or "except for", "other than", or "aside from". Your pick. "We are passing over the mountains, so we have no more use of our steeds. They are yours to do with as you wish." <-- we have no more use for our steeds Merol wondered how many more people would have to suffer at their hands. <-- Merol and company aren't causing people to suffer. You might be thinking of "because of them", "in their stead", or "due to them" Myriad of thoughts passed through his mind. <-- Myriad is another term for "Countless" or "Many different". Aer'andil fired as many arrows as he could before the soldiers where on top of him and too close for arrows. <-- were The soldiers where fighting him but for some reason they made no real effort to kill him. <-- were He looked over at the others, Micraal and Lucas where side by side and killing as many as they could <-- were They however where no simple raiders <-- were Merol still killed them by the dozens and had received no worrying injury yet. <-- I think your proofreader zoned out at this point because #15-#19 are from the same paragraph Comments: Don't be afraid to use the clinical term for the male genitourinary organ of procreation! There is a jarring sequence when the boys were gathering berries. First there was Marco and Drake. Then a sudden cut to Lucas and Micraal, then a very abrupt cut to Drake and Beck. Here's the relevant portion: "How did you meet Marco? That's a weird name…I thought elves all stayed in their islands and have names like…Elmarn or Nimathar…why aren't your parents with you? I am sorry if I'm asking too many questions…I…I just never had friends before…" -- abrupt cut -- Drake opened his eyes and saw his brother looking up at him. They exchanged grins. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.B Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 So instead of enjoying the story you prefer to be OCD about grammar? lol ok. yes, I am not native live with it If in an erotica story I used the words, dick, penis, cock. in every sentence they'd get repetetive and boring from chapter 1. yes, I love my abrupt cuts, think of them like straight cuts in movies. I use them a lot, you are the native speaker keep up :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zergrinch Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 So instead of enjoying the story you prefer to be OCD about grammar? lol ok. yes, I am not native live with it If in an erotica story I used the words, dick, penis, cock. in every sentence they'd get repetetive and boring from chapter 1. yes, I love my abrupt cuts, think of them like straight cuts in movies. I use them a lot, you are the native speaker keep up :P Heeeeyy, that's how I get my jollies. By being OCD about grammar and syntax and spelling. Well, it's clear that you're totally avoiding the "p" word (I count only one use, back in chapter 2), and some of the euphemisms ("dick" - 19x in #04, "cock" - 7x)are... well... getting a wee bit repetitive. But of course if you don't like to use that word, it's your prerogative as author. Having cuts is fine, but since they are kind of jarring, might I suggest you have some kind of line separator between the scenes? Now as for the story critique. We obviously don't have the complete picture yet, but you are obviously hinting that the twins are not really human. They said something very cryptic to one of the Earth boys, and I felt that the matter was just dropped way too easily. No doubt it will resurface, but it felt strange mentioning it, and then not anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.B Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 yes I avoid those three words like the plague, I consider them mandane, overused and boring, I'll use them like once in the whole story and then use different, creative words for "it" like custard launcher yes, I know do use them from chapter 5...new editor is better than old one uh huh there's something in the air about them twins four chapters in, how do you like it? (not just zerg ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ken barber Posted March 30, 2015 Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 New Chapter AB"The Chronicles of Valana: Shadowlands" Unto the Elves Chapter 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.B Posted April 2, 2015 Report Share Posted April 2, 2015 When chapter 7 will be released I'll start the "ask your char." thread and link to my gen author's forum as well as here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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